Heartache...

It's been a long time since I've cried.  It's weird.  I used to cry all the time..."emotional" would have been one of the first words I would use to describe myself.  But now, I can't even remember the last time I cried.  I've teared at movies.  I even wept a little bit when I was saying goodbye to my nephew Caleb as I was moving up here.  But today, I sobbed.  Achingly.  

I felt really alone.  And it scared me.  I think for the first time I really feared that I made a mistake moving up here.  That the draw of a more money and a new life made me foolishly jump the gun and move.  I thought that knowing people up here would help.  But, one by one this past week, all my attempts at reaching out to acquaintances has been met with "this is a really busy week" or "I have plans...maybe next time?".  The last straw was when an old friend I was supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow just cancelled on me.  It felt suddenly that I was undesirable as a friend...cursed.  I just feel really alone...and suddenly hopelessness started creeping in.  During all the alone times this first month, I convinced myself that things would change and that I'd start to meet people.  But finally, I feel my spirit has been broken.  I'm alone.  I'm tired.  And I'm tired of the chalking all my restless days out and about up to "adventures".  

11 more months of this "experiment".  Will I make it? 

The only good news in sight is that I'm going home to LA next weekend.  Finally, some comfort.

My eyes are gonna be red and puffy tomorrow.  That should really attract some friends to me.