Immigration Point

I'm drawn to this place...the Presidio as a whole fascinates me...its history, its forests, its trails, its views...even its present...people living on site, companies housed in the old barracks, bowling alley, post office, fire station, YMCA...all in the old-school buildings.  Its odd...a contradiction almost.  It doesn't make sense to me.  Its hard to explain.  Anyways...

It took some walking, some shuttling, and some map-searching, but I finally made my way back to this peaceful gorgeous place called Immigration Point.  I want to sit here and just...THINK...but I don't know how to do that.  I know how to overthink.  I know how to obsess.  I know how to imagine.  I know how to worry.  But I don't know how to just think.  Even as I went through the entire ordeal of finding this place, and even as I sit here now, I'm anxious that I don't have my cell phone, my blackberry, my access...to potential problems at work, potential phone calls or texts that I "need" to receive.  What does it feel like to completely relax without any other thought or concern than what is going on right in front of you, around you, inside you.  I'm not certain.  But, I want to figure out.

Oprah and Maria Shriver were discussing taking 10 minutes out of your day to just "be".  They joked that you can start with 2 minutes if 10 is too much.  I wonder if its something I can do...and if so, can I do it without expectation of what I get out of it?  Two minutes...here I go...3 - 2 - 1...

Is 2 minutes REALLY that long?  ha!  But I had a revelation as I just sat here.  I WANT TO FEEL CONNECTED.  That's what I long for and miss up here.  And its why I'm chained to my blog, my internet, my social networking, my blackberry.  I'm disconnected up here.  No relationships.  No intimacy.  No connection.  Its my heart's desire as a God-created human, to be connected to others.  Everything else, professional success, new life goals, family, dating...is futile without it.  

Wow...that's a pretty heady 2 minutes!  ha!

I'm gonna pack it up...I wonder how I get back home from here...

Good day...

• Walking to my destination always brings a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Eating sushi always makes a good day that much better.
  
• Spending time with Martin always makes me laugh.
  
• Having dessert after dinner always feels like an exclamation point.
  
• Watching the NBA playoffs always reminds me what I love about the Spurs.
• A gorgeous, sunny day always makes me hopeful.

...I love the things that I can count on, the combination of which makes me feel...FULL.

The Game...

The game is:

1. Liking the challenge of pursuing someone (banter, flirting, daily texts and calls...it's so easy)
   
2. Liking the feeling of being pursued (even if you have no desire to be caught by him)
   
3. Trying to convince yourself that you're interested in him (just because there aren't any other options out there for you right now)
   
4. Allowing yourself to use him as the object of your fantasies (even if you're not entirely convinced you're attracted to him)
   
5. Overlooking all the red flags about him (in order to keep him as a possibility)
   
6. Allowing yourself to be convinced that you like him (because his attention is exciting, especially during a lonely time)
   
7. Being fooled into the possibility that maybe you could like him (again, see note on #3)
   
8. As a fool, telling him you're interested (feeling certain this would excite his inexperienced, insecure heart)
9. Having him turn around and say he's not interested (he gotcha...)
10. Tricked into feeling hurt (even though your heart was never invested in the game)
11. Realizing, "S@!t, I let him win..." (humbling...)
12. Breathing a sigh of relief when, in the midst of what you think is loss, you realize that none of it was real.  It was, after all, only a game...

Still, it's the same game over and over.  And I don't want to play anymore...

Take it away Sarah..."how stupid could I be, a simpleton could see, that you're no good for me, but you're the only one I see..."

TIME...

Is it worse to have not enough or too much?  People seem to stress more when time seems limited.  Me?  I think an excess of time is trouble.  I have too much time on my hands.  

Too much time = too much spending

Too much time = too much eating

Too much time = too much tv watching

Too much time = too much thinking

Too much time = too much obsessing

I need to find something to spend my time on.  Church.  A 2nd job bartending.  Working out.  My life.  My time.  I get to make the choice.  Make it, Susan.  

My new man crush

Have you seen a man more beautiful than Jason Taylor? I've known him for years as the defensive end for the Dolphins. But, it wasn't until he has been on Dancing With the Stars that I've noticed how freakin' sexy he is. HOLY COW!

Interesting observations:

I usually think guys in their athletic uniforms are so much hotter than they are in "real life"...this is true for most football players, all baseball players, and even more hockey players. But, Jason Taylor...less is definitely better on him.

Also, what is it about men that can dance...in a masculine way...that is so attractive? Justin Timberlake? Danny Tidwell? The guys in Kaba Modern and Jabbawockeez? Jason Taylor...seeing him dance has made me weak in the knees.

What I know my friends will point out: I must have a thing for guys who are bald or balding. The last 5 or 6 guys I've been interested in have either been receding or completely shaved. I've never really thought about it, but it's an interesting trend. Jason Taylor would NOT be as hot if he had hair. Ha!

Ok, I'm done drooling...

AWESOME!!!

Can you say "Holy three-pointer Tim-aaaaay!"? 40pts, OT clinching 3pointer...He's my hero. *sigh* Game 1 was NBA Playoff basketball at it's finest. This is gonna be another amazing series between the Spurs and Suns. GO SPURS GO!

My Current Obsessions...

1. Getting to sleep by 10pm in order to wake up by 5am for bootcamp (I'm only successful about 3 times a week...)
2. Deciding which pair of Christian Louboutin shoes I will invest (waste?) $700 on just to have had the experience of buying a pair ONCE in my life. (I keep going back to the "safe" black platform peeptoe pumps)
3. Yelp'ing
4. American Idol...though I am ashamed to admit it, I'm trying not to care as much, and I'm more than a little pissed that Michael Johns is gone.
5. Building up my LinkedIn connections
6. HuffingtonPost.com (which is the one-stop shop for all info about politics today.***)
7. Trying to break the rut of always buying the waistless, formless dress and force myself to buy some more fitted stuff.
8. What the final standing of the NBA's Western Conference will end up looking like for playoff matchups (Please let Golden State make it and have the Spurs play them first round!  Then I can go and see a couple games.  Please do not let the Spurs draw the Suns the first round.  Please let the Lakers draw the Rockets the first round and get their butts kicked.  Please let Chris Paul get MVP and not Kobe.)
9. Keeping my tiny little apartment clean.
10. Deciding whether to drive or ride the bus each day.
11. Saving money without compromising my lifestyle.
12. Finding at least ONE way to style my new haircut that I'm happy with.
13. iTunes
14. Finding a cute, comfortable pair of can't-live-without flats.  Impossible.
15. Sauvignon Blanc

***I'll end this post with a political rant, which I normally NEVER do in public.  But, I'm angry and annoyed.  I've never liked Hilary Clinton.  I am, indeed, an Obama backer.  So many things in the recent headlines have reminded me exactly what I don't like and don't trust about Hilary.  She's a bad person.  Period.  I hate to sound immature.  I hate to sound so naive.  But, seriously.  She is a bad person.  She lied time and time again about the "sniper-fire" ridden Bosnia trip.  And when caught, she said she "mispoke" and her husband blew it off as a late-night slip of the tongue due to exhaustion.  (I won't even go into how Bill Clinton is making a fool of himself in this election).  I am so angry that she has ridden Obama for saying that small town people in PA are "bitter" and trying to tag him as "elitist".  I'm sorry, but the Clinton's made over $100 MILLION dollars in the last 8 years.  That is ASTOUNDING and some of which is under question.  I think she better think long and hard before using the "out of touch" argument against Obama.  Lastly (for now), Gov. Bill Richardson said that he got so much pressure to back Hilary Clinton because of his relationship with Bill Clinton.  I'm sorry, but WHO'S running for President here?  Ugh...I can't get into this anymore.  It raises my blood pressure.  However, I'll say this:  even if I weren't backing Obama, you could not pay me to vote for Hilary Clinton.  Period.

My Spring Fashion Wish List...

...from my favorite designers:  Robert Rodriguez, Phillip Lim 3.1, Marc by Marc Jacobs, L.A.M.B., and of course, Christian Louboutin.

Idol Gives Back...

Here are some of my favorite quotes from various websites regarding “Idol Gives Back” last night:

“Before the commercial, Kobe Bryant gives a pitch. Hey, Kobe, remember when you bought your wife a multi-million dollar piece of jewelry after you cheated on her with that girl in Colorado? Maybe that money could have gone to charity. (I'm sorry, maybe Kobe does give money to charity, but I don't like him.)” I hate Kobe too. Good point blogger. PS: what was up with that bandaid on his face?

“One other burning question, spawned from watching the angel-white clad “Idols” close the show with “Shout to the Lord”: Do you have to be Christian to be on “American Idol”? Is there a place for other faiths - even agnostics or atheists? Secular humanists? Do you have to fake it? Points to ponder…” I was wondering about this last number. I grew up singing this song in church. It’s a ballsy move for such a huge event. I wasn't really cool with it, to be honest. I wonder, if an Idol contestant isn’t a Christian, are they forced to sing?

“We returned to Bono and Annie Lennox in Africa and this time I whip out my credit card and head over to the Web site (www.americanidol.com) to donate to this really good cause once again. Just breaks your heart what’s happening in places other than where you live.” The Annie Lennox piece really moved me. It was exactly the point when I got out my cc and donated as well.

“There's something odd about having a string of millionaires ask you for money. it would help if we, the lowly American workers of the world, knew that the wealthy celebrities gave their part as well. Only one person tonight said the words "join me in donating." That was David Beckham. Good for him. But the American Idol producers are appealing to a wide demographic - some of whom are at poverty level themselves. And if they are moved to scrape up a donation, it would be a nice reassurance that those who are pandering are putting their money where their mouths are.” I was thinking the same thing! I wondered, “Did all these stars donate as well?”.

• One final thought: Seriously, can someone explain to me what the big deal about Mylie Cyrus is? I just don’t get it. Of course, I’m not a 12 year old girl, either. But, seriously.
• Ok, one LAST thought: I think the Idol contestants' performances last year were so much more moving and heart-felt than the ones this year. It just all felt so forced.
• One last, FINAL thing: It was good seeing the dancers from SYTYCD.

Simple, Social Confrontations...

...make me feel uncomfortable.

• Asking someone to stop talking on their cell phone while on the bus...(SF'ers get this)...I can't do.
• Trying to get a bartender's or a server's attention when I've been waiting too long to order...no, I can't.
• Letting a cashier know that I'm in a hurry as he chats away with a coworker or the customer he just finished with...can't do.
• Heck, I can't even tell someone they have something stuck in their teeth!

I let things eat me up inside until they become boiling irritations just because I can't say something simply...politely. I let it get to be so bad that sometimes I dream about what I'd say, the tyrade I would go off on, if I had the guts to be a mean person. In fact, however, I don't even have the guts to say something in a nice way. So now I'm stuck.

My neighbor upstairs walks like an elephant with heels on. And she/he walks back and forth across the apartment constantly. No rugs on the wood floors. Heavy walkers are one thing (heck, I'm one). But, with shoes on? C'mon! Have some respect. At 11:30pm on a Sunday night? Are you serious? The lack of consideration towards me, the neighbor downstairs, makes me think he/she does it on purpose. Dancing around their apartment, on the hardwood, reveling in the thought of my frustration downstairs. My sister says I should simply go and knock on their door and tell them how loud they're being. Me? I'd rather stew over and dream of how I'd pound on my ceiling with a broom at 2am on a Monday or write a nasty letter and leave it in their mailbox.

But at the end of the day, realistically, I'll end up doing nothing. I'll one day run into them at the front door and I'll smile politely all the while spewing venom towards them on the inside. I'm going to give myself a heartattack. I'm so lame.

Cowardice. That's what it is. Yuck. That's an ugly word in every sense.

No More Chicken 'N Waffles. No More Chocolate Bread Pudding.

I know that a lot of girls are hyper-critical of their bodies and their weight. Honestly, I have a pretty good sense of when I'm looking and feeling healthy and where I should be. Currently I am NOT there. I am SHOCKED to see how much weight I've gained in the 2 months since being in SF. My clothes do not fit. My boobs are OUT OF CONTROL huge right now. And my arms, belly, neck, face, thighs, and ass have ballooned. I don't want you to mistake me for "that girl"...the one who points out all her flaws - the ones she doesn't have. It is clear to me, my mother (she made a comment), and the world, that I've been gaining weight...turns out it's about 7 lbs in 2 months (and on a 5'0 frame, that's a LOT).

So, I've joined a bootcamp. VyAyr. It got great reviews on Yelp. It's a 4 week program and my hope is that I can start getting back into shape and feel good and healthy. I'm 4 sessions in and I'm less sore than I was after day 1, feeling better with more energy, and looking forward to a noticeable difference when putting on my clothes.

I've also decided to go on a spending fast. I've never done it before. But, I've been out of control in spending money up here as well. It's time to stop. So, I've stocked up my fridge, bought my bus pass, and filled my gas tank. There should be no need for me to spend even a dime in the next 15 days. I've made 1 exception: my sister's 40th bday is coming up and I may need to purchase invitations to her party and a gift before the 15th. But, other than that, no going out, not even to meet friends (the 1 or 2 that I actually have up here). I'm kind of excited. The longest 15 days of my life. ha!

2 1/2 weeks left of bootcamp, 2 weeks of spending-free living...I'll let you know how I feel when I'm done!