Wherein I Learned Something From a Frog...

I know I've been boo hoo'ing a lot lately about...life...and having a rough go recently.  It's just...ya know...hard sometimes.  And I'm more often than not the kind of person that wants to figure things out rather than let them play themselves out.  Control issues...clearly.

So, I've been really choosy about the things I've been reading during my funk. NOTHING with any kind of emotional angst or that will release the waterworks.  Yesterday, I decided to reread "Frog" by Mary Calmes...my feel good book.

And it was in this book that I got smacked with this: "So now we've taught children to fear being abandoned and so as adults they either push people away so as not to be hurt, or hold them too tight and suffocate them."

BWAAAAA...that's me! That's me! That's me!!!!  And though this may not be some huge revelation or any new information...reading that, at this time and place in my life, felt like an 'aha' moment for me. No, it didn't fix my life's issues, but at least I can recognize some of the 'why's'.  

Thanks, Mary, for saving me a shit ton of money on therapy!

Do Better, Be Better...

It's weird getting to a certain age, being an adult, and still discovering yourself.  It's so easy to hide behind the "that's just who I am" mentality. It took enough time trying to figure that out, can't we just rest here?  :-/

I've been facing some struggles in life of late and have been surprised to find that I'm actually learning new things about myself.  That the person I thought I was might not actually be the person I am.  Maybe I went through my 20's in this self-discovery stage and just decided that was it...I found myself and that's who I will remain for the rest of my life.  Ahhh...the naivete of youth. :)

It scared me for a second...shit, if I'm THIS old and don't know myself by now, I'm screwed.  

But, actually, I guess it's kinda cool that I still get to learn.  I still have the ability to grow. I can DO better and BE better...that I'm not a lost cause.  *sigh*...and for that...I'm thankful.

Everything in Moderation...

Look, I can enjoy myself a good gif every now and again.  Some of them are too adorable for words and others crack my shit up. 

But today, I saw a review on Goodreads that had...FIFTEEN F'ING GIFS!!!!...and I almost lost it.  This person thought it clever to try and review via gifs, but it was insane, my computer doth protest, and honestly?...it was way more annoying and aggravating than anything close to charming.  

Now imagine that multiplied EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. someone 'likes' that review.  

I almost just deleted my GR account for life...I was that turned off.  

Please people...check yourselves.  Limit gif usage to only the most necessary and appropriate-to-the-situation opportunities.  And NEVER EVER more than 2-3 per post. I implore of you!

THIS IS A GIF FREE BLOG POST.

Oh Shit...I'm Miranda...

As I got home today from what I'd call my "successful" job, opening up a nice bottle of wine for myself, putting on my sweats, and settling down to order Chinese delivery...it dawned on me...

I.
AM.
MIRANDA.

When did THAT happen?  I've always been a Carrie...at least I thought I was...

So I've got single parenting, a cheating husband, overgrown pubes, a judgmental housecleaner-turned-nanny, and *gasp* BROOKLYN in my future...?

*sigh*

Well, at least Miranda was the one who looked best with age...I can say that much...

Is This Guy Hot...???

So, I was at the airport baggage claim, after an excruciatingly long flight, exhausted, waiting for my luggage...and I see him...

Admittedly, he's kinda hard to make out in my attempting-to-be-stealth photo taking, but he kinda took my breath away.  I was ALL about this guy.  He made me think of MC's in so many of my books...lean, close-shaven hair, heroic, witty, strong, an amazing lover...emotionally unattainable until he meets me and I help him open up.  

But when I showed my coworkers the picture of the "omg he's so hot" guy I saw at the airport, they looked at me like I was crazy.  My fantasy man was just shot down...and I kinda took it personally! I mean, to each his/her own when it comes to attraction. But I had already played out our story in my head!  So when he and I start dating, will my friends judge me because they don't think he's hot?  

And then it hit me...I am certifiably insane. 

Apparently, I see real-life men through a romance-reader's lens and now I am no longer able to separate LIFE from PAGE!

A few months ago, I was asked out on a date by a New York City fireman.  Now, for many single women, this is kind of like winning the lottery.  The man was ruggedly handsome, polite, charming...and he asked me out while I was hungover waiting at a deli for a greasy breakfast sandwich.  He found me adorable. :)  A meet-cute for the most perfect romance novel. 

Well, we met for a drink...which was fine.  We met again for coffee...which was less fine.  We met again for a walk...which was even less fine.  So after 3 dates, I was bored, he was unimpressed, and it fizzled.  

Three years ago, this would have been chalked up to "*shrug*...just wasn't a connection".  Now that I'm knee-deep in romance novels, I actually mourned the loss of a potential HEA.  I felt saddened by all the pages of fun plot points that failed to happen.  And my greatest disappointment was that this real life guy didn't turn out to be anything like my book boyfriends. 

So, as I lick my wounds that my friends don't find baggage-claim-guy hot as I had already planned out how we'd run into each other at the ticket counter of the airport next week, laughing that we had noticed each other after that long Hong Kong flight...I realized...

I NEED A LIFE...a REAL ONE. 

The Power of Forgiveness...

I'm embarrassed to say that I'm not a very forgiving person.  I view so much of life as black and white, wrong or right...and it makes it hard for me to let go of things I see as injustice...either to myself, or to those I care about, or to the world in general.  It's a frustrating way to live, I'll be honest.  Not offering grace to people for mistakes...I kinda hate that aspect of me.

This is made especially painful now that I find myself needing forgiveness.  And because I'm not practiced in offering, I have no idea what it takes to receive it.  I've tried begging. I've tried earning.  I've tried apologizing.  And it's now that I'm facing losing something that I care about dearly that I'm panicked I've never learned it's true value. 

The power of forgiveness...you had better believe I'll never forget...

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine.  But you have to forgive yourself.  Let go of what's bitter and move on." - Bill Cosby

"To err is human; to forgive, divine." - Alexander Pope

"Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure." - Jane Austen

Lonely Planet...

I travel a lot for work...well, 'a lot' being more than the average person, I'd say.  I just returned from a 10 day trip to Singapore and Hong Kong.  People always tell me they're jealous that I get to visit around the world for work.  I guess it does seem glamorous or exciting.

But truthfully, it's quite lonely.  My only interactions are typically with work colleagues who I don't know well, or with people paid to take care of me either in the hotel or at restaurants or in stores.  Emotional connection is zero.  And getting to know a city can be entertaining. But, not necessarily...fulfilling?  

In any case, this past trip I found myself in a really dark head space and emotionally just...depressed.  Singapore and Hong Kong, for all that they offer, are not especially lovely or serene locations.  They are busy and things are costly and life feels...hard there.  

This wore me down a bit...and now that I'm home, I'm trying to figure out how to knock out of this funk.  But mostly, I'm trying to figure out, in this huge planet of ours, no matter where I'm at, how not to feel so alone...

View from my hotel room @ the Shangri-La Hong Kong