Last night, battling a bout of insomnia, I sat and watched tv in my living room. About midnight, I heard someone walk up my front porch stairs (creaky old wooden stairs...unmistakable when someone's there, really...). My front door has a fan window so you can see who's standing outside, but I had already turned the porch light off for the night. My heart stopped, but the sounds went away and I reminded myself that I'm inside, behind a locked door, and whoever I heard is not.
An hour later, I went to bed, turned off the lights, and nervously went under my covers. I swore I heard things moving in my living room and kitchen. I have wood floors with a crawl space underneath. You have to really tip toe around my house not to be heard. But still, I was paralyzed with fear. I prayed "please don't let this be happening to me". I gripped my phone, ready to call 911...and in the other hand had my pepper spray. I couldn't breathe. I thought of an escape plan. I thought of how I'd fight back. I even thought of what it would feel like to be shot. I even wished I had one of these:
(No this is not a real gun. Its an airgun. My 9 year old nephew even has one. But, I felt that if I had one of these at that moment, I'd feel safe.)
Its all insane...fear. Paralyzing. Debilitating.
And for the first time, I felt that with all the freedoms of living alone, FEAR made it the one thing in my life I wish I could change.
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