Sickened...

I know it’s silly to get bitter and so affected by things that I have no control over. However, I’m sitting here stewing. What’s got me so fired up? Is it the way that Hilary Clinton has been spinning, lying, and attacking her way through her campaign? Is it the fact that my upstairs neighbor was stomping around in her lead weight shoes last night on her wood floors at midnight? Is it that I’m angry at myself for not going to the first day of my new boot camp session this morning? It could be any one of those things…but for now…it’s this…

I just read on ESPN.com that Kobe Bryant is going to be named league MVP. (I just had to take the deepest breath right there because my heart felt like it was being strangled) I just don’t get it. Who in their right mind would vote for Kobe? Yes, he’s a phenomenal player…I will give him that. But the MVP: they’ve got to make their teams, the players around them, the fans, the city, the game around them BETTER. And Kobe, in the light of what Kevin Garnett has done in Boston and what Chris Paul has done in New Orleans, is NOT the MVP. He is the epitome of selfish, self-absorbed, ethically-challenged, fair-weather, and undeserving. I’m sick that as MVP, he’ll join in the ranks of class acts like Tim Duncan and Steve Nash…company he should NEVER be grouped with. It breaks my heart that in one of the best NBA seasons we’ve seen in a long time, he’s the one that’s gonna be the MVP. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.…

Tell me, does common sense exist anymore in our world today...because I'm beginning to doubt? Ugh.

Immigration Point

I'm drawn to this place...the Presidio as a whole fascinates me...its history, its forests, its trails, its views...even its present...people living on site, companies housed in the old barracks, bowling alley, post office, fire station, YMCA...all in the old-school buildings.  Its odd...a contradiction almost.  It doesn't make sense to me.  Its hard to explain.  Anyways...

It took some walking, some shuttling, and some map-searching, but I finally made my way back to this peaceful gorgeous place called Immigration Point.  I want to sit here and just...THINK...but I don't know how to do that.  I know how to overthink.  I know how to obsess.  I know how to imagine.  I know how to worry.  But I don't know how to just think.  Even as I went through the entire ordeal of finding this place, and even as I sit here now, I'm anxious that I don't have my cell phone, my blackberry, my access...to potential problems at work, potential phone calls or texts that I "need" to receive.  What does it feel like to completely relax without any other thought or concern than what is going on right in front of you, around you, inside you.  I'm not certain.  But, I want to figure out.

Oprah and Maria Shriver were discussing taking 10 minutes out of your day to just "be".  They joked that you can start with 2 minutes if 10 is too much.  I wonder if its something I can do...and if so, can I do it without expectation of what I get out of it?  Two minutes...here I go...3 - 2 - 1...

Is 2 minutes REALLY that long?  ha!  But I had a revelation as I just sat here.  I WANT TO FEEL CONNECTED.  That's what I long for and miss up here.  And its why I'm chained to my blog, my internet, my social networking, my blackberry.  I'm disconnected up here.  No relationships.  No intimacy.  No connection.  Its my heart's desire as a God-created human, to be connected to others.  Everything else, professional success, new life goals, family, dating...is futile without it.  

Wow...that's a pretty heady 2 minutes!  ha!

I'm gonna pack it up...I wonder how I get back home from here...

Good day...

• Walking to my destination always brings a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Eating sushi always makes a good day that much better.
  
• Spending time with Martin always makes me laugh.
  
• Having dessert after dinner always feels like an exclamation point.
  
• Watching the NBA playoffs always reminds me what I love about the Spurs.
• A gorgeous, sunny day always makes me hopeful.

...I love the things that I can count on, the combination of which makes me feel...FULL.

The Game...

The game is:

1. Liking the challenge of pursuing someone (banter, flirting, daily texts and calls...it's so easy)
   
2. Liking the feeling of being pursued (even if you have no desire to be caught by him)
   
3. Trying to convince yourself that you're interested in him (just because there aren't any other options out there for you right now)
   
4. Allowing yourself to use him as the object of your fantasies (even if you're not entirely convinced you're attracted to him)
   
5. Overlooking all the red flags about him (in order to keep him as a possibility)
   
6. Allowing yourself to be convinced that you like him (because his attention is exciting, especially during a lonely time)
   
7. Being fooled into the possibility that maybe you could like him (again, see note on #3)
   
8. As a fool, telling him you're interested (feeling certain this would excite his inexperienced, insecure heart)
9. Having him turn around and say he's not interested (he gotcha...)
10. Tricked into feeling hurt (even though your heart was never invested in the game)
11. Realizing, "S@!t, I let him win..." (humbling...)
12. Breathing a sigh of relief when, in the midst of what you think is loss, you realize that none of it was real.  It was, after all, only a game...

Still, it's the same game over and over.  And I don't want to play anymore...

Take it away Sarah..."how stupid could I be, a simpleton could see, that you're no good for me, but you're the only one I see..."

TIME...

Is it worse to have not enough or too much?  People seem to stress more when time seems limited.  Me?  I think an excess of time is trouble.  I have too much time on my hands.  

Too much time = too much spending

Too much time = too much eating

Too much time = too much tv watching

Too much time = too much thinking

Too much time = too much obsessing

I need to find something to spend my time on.  Church.  A 2nd job bartending.  Working out.  My life.  My time.  I get to make the choice.  Make it, Susan.  

My new man crush

Have you seen a man more beautiful than Jason Taylor? I've known him for years as the defensive end for the Dolphins. But, it wasn't until he has been on Dancing With the Stars that I've noticed how freakin' sexy he is. HOLY COW!

Interesting observations:

I usually think guys in their athletic uniforms are so much hotter than they are in "real life"...this is true for most football players, all baseball players, and even more hockey players. But, Jason Taylor...less is definitely better on him.

Also, what is it about men that can dance...in a masculine way...that is so attractive? Justin Timberlake? Danny Tidwell? The guys in Kaba Modern and Jabbawockeez? Jason Taylor...seeing him dance has made me weak in the knees.

What I know my friends will point out: I must have a thing for guys who are bald or balding. The last 5 or 6 guys I've been interested in have either been receding or completely shaved. I've never really thought about it, but it's an interesting trend. Jason Taylor would NOT be as hot if he had hair. Ha!

Ok, I'm done drooling...

AWESOME!!!

Can you say "Holy three-pointer Tim-aaaaay!"? 40pts, OT clinching 3pointer...He's my hero. *sigh* Game 1 was NBA Playoff basketball at it's finest. This is gonna be another amazing series between the Spurs and Suns. GO SPURS GO!