Immigration Point

I'm drawn to this place...the Presidio as a whole fascinates me...its history, its forests, its trails, its views...even its present...people living on site, companies housed in the old barracks, bowling alley, post office, fire station, YMCA...all in the old-school buildings.  Its odd...a contradiction almost.  It doesn't make sense to me.  Its hard to explain.  Anyways...

It took some walking, some shuttling, and some map-searching, but I finally made my way back to this peaceful gorgeous place called Immigration Point.  I want to sit here and just...THINK...but I don't know how to do that.  I know how to overthink.  I know how to obsess.  I know how to imagine.  I know how to worry.  But I don't know how to just think.  Even as I went through the entire ordeal of finding this place, and even as I sit here now, I'm anxious that I don't have my cell phone, my blackberry, my access...to potential problems at work, potential phone calls or texts that I "need" to receive.  What does it feel like to completely relax without any other thought or concern than what is going on right in front of you, around you, inside you.  I'm not certain.  But, I want to figure out.

Oprah and Maria Shriver were discussing taking 10 minutes out of your day to just "be".  They joked that you can start with 2 minutes if 10 is too much.  I wonder if its something I can do...and if so, can I do it without expectation of what I get out of it?  Two minutes...here I go...3 - 2 - 1...

Is 2 minutes REALLY that long?  ha!  But I had a revelation as I just sat here.  I WANT TO FEEL CONNECTED.  That's what I long for and miss up here.  And its why I'm chained to my blog, my internet, my social networking, my blackberry.  I'm disconnected up here.  No relationships.  No intimacy.  No connection.  Its my heart's desire as a God-created human, to be connected to others.  Everything else, professional success, new life goals, family, dating...is futile without it.  

Wow...that's a pretty heady 2 minutes!  ha!

I'm gonna pack it up...I wonder how I get back home from here...

Good day...

• Walking to my destination always brings a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Eating sushi always makes a good day that much better.
  
• Spending time with Martin always makes me laugh.
  
• Having dessert after dinner always feels like an exclamation point.
  
• Watching the NBA playoffs always reminds me what I love about the Spurs.
• A gorgeous, sunny day always makes me hopeful.

...I love the things that I can count on, the combination of which makes me feel...FULL.

The Game...

The game is:

1. Liking the challenge of pursuing someone (banter, flirting, daily texts and calls...it's so easy)
   
2. Liking the feeling of being pursued (even if you have no desire to be caught by him)
   
3. Trying to convince yourself that you're interested in him (just because there aren't any other options out there for you right now)
   
4. Allowing yourself to use him as the object of your fantasies (even if you're not entirely convinced you're attracted to him)
   
5. Overlooking all the red flags about him (in order to keep him as a possibility)
   
6. Allowing yourself to be convinced that you like him (because his attention is exciting, especially during a lonely time)
   
7. Being fooled into the possibility that maybe you could like him (again, see note on #3)
   
8. As a fool, telling him you're interested (feeling certain this would excite his inexperienced, insecure heart)
9. Having him turn around and say he's not interested (he gotcha...)
10. Tricked into feeling hurt (even though your heart was never invested in the game)
11. Realizing, "S@!t, I let him win..." (humbling...)
12. Breathing a sigh of relief when, in the midst of what you think is loss, you realize that none of it was real.  It was, after all, only a game...

Still, it's the same game over and over.  And I don't want to play anymore...

Take it away Sarah..."how stupid could I be, a simpleton could see, that you're no good for me, but you're the only one I see..."

TIME...

Is it worse to have not enough or too much?  People seem to stress more when time seems limited.  Me?  I think an excess of time is trouble.  I have too much time on my hands.  

Too much time = too much spending

Too much time = too much eating

Too much time = too much tv watching

Too much time = too much thinking

Too much time = too much obsessing

I need to find something to spend my time on.  Church.  A 2nd job bartending.  Working out.  My life.  My time.  I get to make the choice.  Make it, Susan.  

My new man crush

Have you seen a man more beautiful than Jason Taylor? I've known him for years as the defensive end for the Dolphins. But, it wasn't until he has been on Dancing With the Stars that I've noticed how freakin' sexy he is. HOLY COW!

Interesting observations:

I usually think guys in their athletic uniforms are so much hotter than they are in "real life"...this is true for most football players, all baseball players, and even more hockey players. But, Jason Taylor...less is definitely better on him.

Also, what is it about men that can dance...in a masculine way...that is so attractive? Justin Timberlake? Danny Tidwell? The guys in Kaba Modern and Jabbawockeez? Jason Taylor...seeing him dance has made me weak in the knees.

What I know my friends will point out: I must have a thing for guys who are bald or balding. The last 5 or 6 guys I've been interested in have either been receding or completely shaved. I've never really thought about it, but it's an interesting trend. Jason Taylor would NOT be as hot if he had hair. Ha!

Ok, I'm done drooling...

AWESOME!!!

Can you say "Holy three-pointer Tim-aaaaay!"? 40pts, OT clinching 3pointer...He's my hero. *sigh* Game 1 was NBA Playoff basketball at it's finest. This is gonna be another amazing series between the Spurs and Suns. GO SPURS GO!

My Current Obsessions...

1. Getting to sleep by 10pm in order to wake up by 5am for bootcamp (I'm only successful about 3 times a week...)
2. Deciding which pair of Christian Louboutin shoes I will invest (waste?) $700 on just to have had the experience of buying a pair ONCE in my life. (I keep going back to the "safe" black platform peeptoe pumps)
3. Yelp'ing
4. American Idol...though I am ashamed to admit it, I'm trying not to care as much, and I'm more than a little pissed that Michael Johns is gone.
5. Building up my LinkedIn connections
6. HuffingtonPost.com (which is the one-stop shop for all info about politics today.***)
7. Trying to break the rut of always buying the waistless, formless dress and force myself to buy some more fitted stuff.
8. What the final standing of the NBA's Western Conference will end up looking like for playoff matchups (Please let Golden State make it and have the Spurs play them first round!  Then I can go and see a couple games.  Please do not let the Spurs draw the Suns the first round.  Please let the Lakers draw the Rockets the first round and get their butts kicked.  Please let Chris Paul get MVP and not Kobe.)
9. Keeping my tiny little apartment clean.
10. Deciding whether to drive or ride the bus each day.
11. Saving money without compromising my lifestyle.
12. Finding at least ONE way to style my new haircut that I'm happy with.
13. iTunes
14. Finding a cute, comfortable pair of can't-live-without flats.  Impossible.
15. Sauvignon Blanc

***I'll end this post with a political rant, which I normally NEVER do in public.  But, I'm angry and annoyed.  I've never liked Hilary Clinton.  I am, indeed, an Obama backer.  So many things in the recent headlines have reminded me exactly what I don't like and don't trust about Hilary.  She's a bad person.  Period.  I hate to sound immature.  I hate to sound so naive.  But, seriously.  She is a bad person.  She lied time and time again about the "sniper-fire" ridden Bosnia trip.  And when caught, she said she "mispoke" and her husband blew it off as a late-night slip of the tongue due to exhaustion.  (I won't even go into how Bill Clinton is making a fool of himself in this election).  I am so angry that she has ridden Obama for saying that small town people in PA are "bitter" and trying to tag him as "elitist".  I'm sorry, but the Clinton's made over $100 MILLION dollars in the last 8 years.  That is ASTOUNDING and some of which is under question.  I think she better think long and hard before using the "out of touch" argument against Obama.  Lastly (for now), Gov. Bill Richardson said that he got so much pressure to back Hilary Clinton because of his relationship with Bill Clinton.  I'm sorry, but WHO'S running for President here?  Ugh...I can't get into this anymore.  It raises my blood pressure.  However, I'll say this:  even if I weren't backing Obama, you could not pay me to vote for Hilary Clinton.  Period.