Oh Shit...I'm Miranda...

As I got home today from what I'd call my "successful" job, opening up a nice bottle of wine for myself, putting on my sweats, and settling down to order Chinese delivery...it dawned on me...

I.
AM.
MIRANDA.

When did THAT happen?  I've always been a Carrie...at least I thought I was...

So I've got single parenting, a cheating husband, overgrown pubes, a judgmental housecleaner-turned-nanny, and *gasp* BROOKLYN in my future...?

*sigh*

Well, at least Miranda was the one who looked best with age...I can say that much...

Is This Guy Hot...???

So, I was at the airport baggage claim, after an excruciatingly long flight, exhausted, waiting for my luggage...and I see him...

Admittedly, he's kinda hard to make out in my attempting-to-be-stealth photo taking, but he kinda took my breath away.  I was ALL about this guy.  He made me think of MC's in so many of my books...lean, close-shaven hair, heroic, witty, strong, an amazing lover...emotionally unattainable until he meets me and I help him open up.  

But when I showed my coworkers the picture of the "omg he's so hot" guy I saw at the airport, they looked at me like I was crazy.  My fantasy man was just shot down...and I kinda took it personally! I mean, to each his/her own when it comes to attraction. But I had already played out our story in my head!  So when he and I start dating, will my friends judge me because they don't think he's hot?  

And then it hit me...I am certifiably insane. 

Apparently, I see real-life men through a romance-reader's lens and now I am no longer able to separate LIFE from PAGE!

A few months ago, I was asked out on a date by a New York City fireman.  Now, for many single women, this is kind of like winning the lottery.  The man was ruggedly handsome, polite, charming...and he asked me out while I was hungover waiting at a deli for a greasy breakfast sandwich.  He found me adorable. :)  A meet-cute for the most perfect romance novel. 

Well, we met for a drink...which was fine.  We met again for coffee...which was less fine.  We met again for a walk...which was even less fine.  So after 3 dates, I was bored, he was unimpressed, and it fizzled.  

Three years ago, this would have been chalked up to "*shrug*...just wasn't a connection".  Now that I'm knee-deep in romance novels, I actually mourned the loss of a potential HEA.  I felt saddened by all the pages of fun plot points that failed to happen.  And my greatest disappointment was that this real life guy didn't turn out to be anything like my book boyfriends. 

So, as I lick my wounds that my friends don't find baggage-claim-guy hot as I had already planned out how we'd run into each other at the ticket counter of the airport next week, laughing that we had noticed each other after that long Hong Kong flight...I realized...

I NEED A LIFE...a REAL ONE. 

The Power of Forgiveness...

I'm embarrassed to say that I'm not a very forgiving person.  I view so much of life as black and white, wrong or right...and it makes it hard for me to let go of things I see as injustice...either to myself, or to those I care about, or to the world in general.  It's a frustrating way to live, I'll be honest.  Not offering grace to people for mistakes...I kinda hate that aspect of me.

This is made especially painful now that I find myself needing forgiveness.  And because I'm not practiced in offering, I have no idea what it takes to receive it.  I've tried begging. I've tried earning.  I've tried apologizing.  And it's now that I'm facing losing something that I care about dearly that I'm panicked I've never learned it's true value. 

The power of forgiveness...you had better believe I'll never forget...

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine.  But you have to forgive yourself.  Let go of what's bitter and move on." - Bill Cosby

"To err is human; to forgive, divine." - Alexander Pope

"Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure." - Jane Austen

Lonely Planet...

I travel a lot for work...well, 'a lot' being more than the average person, I'd say.  I just returned from a 10 day trip to Singapore and Hong Kong.  People always tell me they're jealous that I get to visit around the world for work.  I guess it does seem glamorous or exciting.

But truthfully, it's quite lonely.  My only interactions are typically with work colleagues who I don't know well, or with people paid to take care of me either in the hotel or at restaurants or in stores.  Emotional connection is zero.  And getting to know a city can be entertaining. But, not necessarily...fulfilling?  

In any case, this past trip I found myself in a really dark head space and emotionally just...depressed.  Singapore and Hong Kong, for all that they offer, are not especially lovely or serene locations.  They are busy and things are costly and life feels...hard there.  

This wore me down a bit...and now that I'm home, I'm trying to figure out how to knock out of this funk.  But mostly, I'm trying to figure out, in this huge planet of ours, no matter where I'm at, how not to feel so alone...

View from my hotel room @ the Shangri-La Hong Kong

"The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows"

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:  this is one of my favorite tumblr sites (and one of the few that isn't pure porn!).

Word porn, maybe.

But, it highlights words...gorgeous, gorgeous words that are, well, obscure.  But the definitions are SO eloquent that I feel like I'm swimming in "rightness" (<-obviously, I'm NOT as great with words).  And I love the thought: "there's a WORD for that?"

Here's one of my favorites recently...

nodus tollens

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

I know!  I know this feeling exactly.  

Brrrr...

So this is the weather tomorrow.  I walk to work at about 8:30am.  Weird thing (weird on many levels) is that I used to live in Kazakhstan (yes Kazakhstan) and it would get to -20 degrees in the winter.  And I don't recall it being that cold.  But its been awhile.  And when I look at that "feels like" column above, I'm a bit panicked.  We've had 2 very mild winters in NY since I've lived here.  This will the my 3rd winter and I'm feeling like a rookie.

The other day I walked to work in a snow storm and there were flurries that were just pelting me in the face.  I covered the bottom half but snow was getting in my eyes!  I asked my native-NY'er coworker if people wear goggles in storms like that.  He laughed at me like I was the funniest woman alive.  

I'm trying to be practical here!  I have no idea what to wear to brave my walk to work tomorrow. 

Hello...Uber? 

Reviving this thing called 'blog'...

I think it's been almost 2 years since I've posted here.  Life is not so different. ha!

What's changed?  Well, I have a new job (started at Spotify in August of 2013), a new apartment (still in the West Village but a few blocks north...loving it!), and traveling WAY too much for work.  Other than that, I'm same ol' same ol'.

But, I'm thinking it's time to give this "personal blogging" thing another go.  Not specifically because I have anything important to say.  But, because I think, at times, it's just important to say something...anything.  To muse, to laugh, to complain, to roll your eyes at, to share...about life.  

We'll see how it goes.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  What will 2014 hold for you?

My goals:

• Learn to knit
• Learn to play the ukulele
• Don't let life pass me by as my nose is in a book (meaning, accept invitations to go out and LIVE!)
• Finish writing my short story / book (I'm at 50,000 words, 25,000 of those might be usable)
• Run a 5k (my goal every year and the one I never achieve...because I hate to run)
• Get a mammogram (right?)
• Send more snail mail letters & cards (someone has to keep the USPS in business!)